While speaking with a young woman who is newly in recovery with more than 100 days clean, the topic of change arose. She said that she was unhappy with who she was. I inquired further and asked what she was distressed about in her life. She went on to tell me her history and all of things she had done over the years that caused pain and sorrow, dysfunction and addictive behaviors.
We delved deeper and explored the catalysts for those choices. What became apparent was that she had internalized behaviors and saw them as a reflection of her identity. Her sense of self worth was in the basement, despite having turned her life around. She is not alone. This description could fit any number of people who find themselves on the upside of addiction.
She had determined that where she was heading was clearly not where she wanted to end up. I asked if she could tell the difference between who she was and what she did. Looking puzzled for a moment, she was able to share her finer qualities and still recognized the need for altering her self-perception and her relationships. I reminded her that even good people make poor choices that are not of benefit to themselves and those around them. Recovery encompasses far more than refraining from indulging in her substance of choice, but rather that “searching and fearless moral inventory,” Step 4 of the 12-step model. She had never had so many days of consecutive sobriety and never so much hard-won wisdom.
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