How Your Partner Can Control Your Brain

a post by Darlene Lancer for the World of Psychology blog



A new study sheds light on how a person could influence and control the mind of someone else. Research on mice reveals that our brains are affected by those around us. The key factor is dominance. The brain of the subordinate mouse synchronised to the dominant mouse. This likely applies to our relationships. Typically, people with stronger personalities make the decisions and get their needs met more often than their partners do.

Other factors play a part. The more the mice interacted with each other, the more their brain activity was synched. Similarly, the longevity and intensity of a relationship affects our partner’s influence on us. A further twist on brain synchrony turns on two types of brain cells we have. One set is focused on our own behaviour and a second on other people. How we think and where we place our attention matters. At Carnegie Mellon University, neuroscientists are tracking our thoughts in fMRI’s brain scans to see which areas and neurons light up. Self and other neurons light up in varying degrees among certain populations.

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I would have liked to see links to the scientific evidence but this piece certainly set me thinking, thinking hard. Hazel.

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12 Things You Can Do to Learn to Trust Again

a post by Rossana Snee for the Lifehack blog

NOTE: This post is primarily about a one-to-one relationship with a partner but there are, among the 12 suggestions, ideas that you can apply to other relationships.

T R U S T – a simple five-letter word. Yet one that carries so much weight. Trust is the soul of any relationship. It is the super glue that binds it together. If you have it, it is the reason you can go to sleep at night next to your partner and feel at peace; the reason that the ding of a text, or the ring of a phone doesn’t shoot off alarm bells; the reason that your partner working late doesn’t cause an anxiety attack.

Lack of trust, however, creates just the opposite effect. It causes untold psychological distress. It turns you into a spy as you search for clues that will validate your suspicions. It pits you against your worst insecurities. It makes you sick and hypervigilant; it keeps you up at nights wondering, Am I not good enough? Is it my fault? Is everything we have a sham? What will people think?

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Married Doesn’t Mean Codependent: 10 Ways to Maintain Autonomy

a post by Julia Nowland for YourTango.com [via World of Psychology]



You can be strong on your own.

If you’re wondering whether you’re codependent or believe that you’re in a codependent relationship, then it’s time to recognize why you’re doing the codependent behavior and put a stop to it.

Asking yourself, “Am I codependent?” means you’ve witnessed choices or actions you made that lead you to believe you’re behaving in an unhealthy manner. And now you want to know how to stop being codependent, either to fix your relationship, feel better about yourself, or just be happier and more confident in life overall.

What started out as good intentions can create strain in your relationship. Learning how to recognize and meet your own needs rebalances the harmony and creates more fun, confidence, and spontaneity in your marriage.

When living in a codependent marriage, you didn’t set out to diminish the other parts of yourself and become tunnel-visioned toward the relationship; it happens slowly over time.

Perhaps when dating, you were smitten with your partner and didn’t want to create tension, so you went along with everything. Or at least you didn’t mind so much doing things that you would otherwise prefer not to do.

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When Life Gets Busy, Focus on a Few Key Habits

an article by Jackie Coleman and John Coleman published in the Harvard Business Review [brought to us by World of Psychology’s “Psychology Around the Net”]

NOTE: Back in the days when I maintained a blog of business information for a small local company I would actually read the Harvard Business Review whenever I was in the British Library. I would never have thought of looking in it for information about mental health! I am, therefore, very grateful to World of Psychology for the heads up on this piece.


NICHOLAS RIGG/GETTY IMAGES

Executive Summary

Extreme life events can be stressful — and lead to confusion as to where to focus your priorities.

Whether it’s changing jobs, taking care of a sick parent, relocating, or facing a diagnosis, disruptions in life can make it difficult to maintain moment-by-moment focus and well-being, much less think months or years in the future.

Daily or weekly habits aligned with your long-term goals can keep you on track even when it’s hard to think ahead, and they can add stability in an otherwise unsteady time. These habits, important at any time, are essential in our busiest and most chaotic periods.

So what do these habits look like? The first step in maintaining regular habits is to articulate and track them. When setting habits, we’ve found the most critical are clustered in four key areas: personal reflection, professional reflection, building and maintaining relationships, and physical and mental health.

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Finding Emotional Freedom After a Toxic Relationship

a post by Sharon Martin for the Happily Imperfect blog [via World of Psychology]



A toxic or codependent relationship can make you feel trapped, small, and deficient. It can feel like an anchor weighing you down, suffocating you.

People who grew up in dysfunctional families, with parents who lacked boundaries, abused drugs or alcohol, or suffered from mental illness, develop a set of coping skills that helped them deal with the chaos and dysfunction in their families. And although these coping skills helped us get through a lot of difficult childhood experiences, they can make it hard for us to manage our emotions and prioritize our needs.

In adulthood, we continue to suppress our feelings, get into relationships with needy or dysfunctional people, and spend so much time and energy focused on other people and their needs that we neglect ourselves. Our lives continue to be consumed with anxiety, efforts to please people who are never satisfied, and feelings of shame and self-blame.

In an effort to survive, many people “lose” themselves.

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How to Stop Punishing Yourself for Your Breakup

a post by Vishnu for the Tiny Buddha blog


“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.” ~Pema Chodron

After you come out a meaningful relationship that you didn’t foresee ending, you begin to think about everything you did wrong.

If you were not the one who wanted to the breakup, you may spend a lot of time blaming yourself and wondering about what you could have done differently.

You might begin to believe you’re solely responsible for what went down and that you deserve to spend years in relationship purgatory by yourself, mourning the loss of the person you loved.

You might take all the responsibility and blame as you spend months and years alone.

You may tell yourself terrible things about yourself and what a monster you were in the relationship.

Then you’ll probably feel guilty about everything you did and assume that the relationship ended only because of you.

And you may feel ashamed, unworthy, and unlovable because the other person was so good and you weren’t.

This kind of unhealthy thinking puts all the blame on you and removes all responsibility from your ex.

Your ex moves on and maybe even finds love soon after, while you spend an inordinate amount of time reflecting, hurting, and punishing yourself for what you did.

These are all things I experienced when my marriage ended.

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What Are Boundaries and Why You Need Them

a post by Mike Matthews for the World of Psychology blog



One of the most misunderstood and important tools to develop healthy relationships is your ability to set boundaries.

Brene Brown famously said:

“The most generous people are the most boundaried.”

She’s right because setting boundaries helps you to take more responsibility for your life and therefore feel more in control which increases your confidence, energy and enthusiasm for life. Boundaries help you to become more open and trusting with yourself and others, which in turn improves the quality and intimacy of your relationships.

But what are boundaries exactly? My definition, which extends to both romantic and plutonic relationships is:

                      Your ability to understand, communicate and make a stand                      for how you want to be treated in your relationships.

To have boundaries is to know where you end and someone else begins. It’s what you fall back on when someone steps so far into your world that you cease being yourself. It’s your ability to communicate with them in a way that both describes how you want to be treated, and empowers others to treat you that way.

There seems to be a common misunderstanding that boundaries are restrictive, selfish and oppressive in relationships. In reality, the opposite is true as it’s only from understanding, and communicating your boundaries that you can create safe, trusting and intimate relationships.

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Knowing When to Let Go of Relationships: 3 Signs It's Time to Move On

a post by Joshua Kauffman for the Tiny Buddha blog

Thanks to the Internet, our lives are full of people. We’re connected literally all the time.

And yet, despite our ceaseless connection, we feel disconnected.

As the pace of life becomes ever more frenetic, we’re like charged atoms, bumping into each other more and more, pinballs in the machine. We come into contact (and conflict), but we don’t commune so much.

As real relationships of depth and quality become harder-won in this busy new world, their value is more keenly felt. Simply put, in the words of Brené Brown, “Connection is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. It’s why we’re here.”

As we fight to carve out space for these connections whose value has become so apparent, it’s natural that we cling to them more dearly.

However, sadly, often the tight clinging to something is the sign that the time has come to let it go. With something as valuable as a relationship, how do we know when that time is? How do we know when it’s time to move on?

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Why Highly Sensitive People Make Amazing Life Partners

a post by Hannah Brooks for the Tiny Buddha blog


“Our relationships are a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves.” ~Iyanla Vanzant

Looking back at my life I see that all of my romantic relationships up until now suffered because I didn’t recognize or value my sensitivity.

For much of my life I thought there was something wrong with me. I was too quiet, too shy, not interesting enough in group settings, too easily hurt, too easily overwhelmed and stressed. I judged myself for being irritable when I didn’t feel rested. I was easily bored with surface conversation and craved deep intimacy, but thought maybe that was silly and unrealistic.

For years, all of this made my love life challenging and downright difficult to navigate.

Though I did find a good match in my first husband, eventually my own self-contempt and inability to accept and honor of my own qualities—the guilt and shame I walked around with much of the time—along with my lack of insight into how to work with my trait, led to my first marriage’s demise.

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Why insecure people buy more things

a post by Matthew Davis for the Big Think blog

Money may not buy you love, but it won't break your heart either.

• The link between a poor interpersonal life and materialism has been known for decades, but the exact reason for this connection hasn't been clear.
• New research shows that two problematic attachment styles can push people towards seeking the love and affection they crave in material wealth.
• The study shows both how broken-hearted people use materialism as a crutch and how this dependency can be reversed.

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13 Insights About Relationships That Could Save You A Lot of Pain

a post by Andi Saitowitz for the Tiny Buddha blog


“It’s amazing how quickly someone can becomes a stranger; it’s even more amazing how quickly someone can become a treasured friend.” ~Unknown

The past six months have been unbelievably difficult for me.

My “normal” life turned upside down and inside out, as my beautiful daughter continues to fight a complex pain condition, which took us all by surprise one bright and sunny Monday afternoon. And literally, in a single heartbeat, just like that, instead of a regular routine day of school, work and afternoon activities, our time was consumed with juggling doctors, hospitals, tests, and specialists—all of us fully devoted with how to help her heal.

Oprah so aptly says that in life, lots of people want to ride with you when you’re in the limo, but what you really want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down. Well, my friends, my limo didn’t just break down. It completely crashed, along with my world as I knew it.

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Boundaries: Why You Say Yes When You Really Mean No

a post by Sarah Newman for the World of Psychology blog



Tell me if this is a familiar scenario: Somebody asks you to do something and you almost immediately agree, even though it’s not something you want to do. Maybe it’s at work — you take on extra responsibilities even though you’re swamped. Or maybe it’s at home — you agree to help a friend next weekend, but you’re overworked, under-rested, or maybe your toddler just started preschool and isn’t adjusting to the new sleep schedule.

As soon as you say yes to this new responsibility, something inside locks up. You start to think about all the ways this is going to put you out. You think about the last time you helped this person and how they didn’t seem to appreciate it. Maybe you lost sleep, lost money, had an argument with your spouse over it.

You think of excuses, hoping it’s not too late to back out. But you also don’t want to break your word. Either way, you start to feel resentful, used, annoyed, unappreciated. The relationship you have with this person, whether it is personal or professional, suffers. You don’t have great feelings about Deborah anymore. You swear you won’t help her again, but you might be wrong. After all, you have poor personal boundaries.

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How Highly Sensitive People Can Feel More Fulfilled in Their Relationships

a post by Hannah Brooks for the Tiny Buddha blog


“Truth can be stated in a thousand different ways, yet each one can be true.”
~Swami Vivekananda

Highly sensitive people naturally bring some really beautiful, love-promoting qualities to their romantic partnerships. But these same qualities can sometimes end up undermining the strength of the relationship. This was true for me in my first marriage and led, in part, to it ending in divorce.

We HSPs are known for our caring, conscientious, and considerate natures. It matters deeply to us that we do our best to be loyal and caring in our relationships.

And because we tend to have high standards for ourselves, and work hard at being kind supportive friends and lovers, we often successfully create strong intimate bonds with others.

We also have a knack for being aware of the needs of others. Our ability to pick up on subtle cues makes them feel deeply understood and cared for. On top of all of this, we tend to think deeply about our love relationships, giving them much of our mental and emotional energy.

This is all really wonderful for the lucky partner of a highly sensitive person. It’s part of why they felt drawn to you and nurtured, safe, and loved with you. But, things can go downhill fast when our significant other doesn’t behave the same way.

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7 Signs You May Be in an Abusive Relationship

a post by Genevieve Fahey for the World of Psychology blog



Physical abuse is easy to identify because it is tangible. Unlike the indefinite phenomenon of being systematically torn down that is emotional abuse. Physical abuse is an easily knowable thing. That is not what I am here to discuss. I want to talk about the more covert examples of emotional abuse. I want to acknowledge the jealousy and possessiveness that rob survivors of autonomy.

You know that emotional abuse exists, but do you really know what it looks like? Do you know what to look out for? Would you be able to recognize it if you found yourself in an emotionally abusive relationship?

If emotions give us information, than the best red flags can be our own emotional responses. We need to know both what those nuanced abusive actions are, and what to look out for in our own responses.

The perpetrator of abuse will try to convince you that you are the one that needs to look at yourself and change. But, instead of automatically accepting that there is something wrong with feeling insecure, have you considered that you might be feeling that way for a good reason? Perhaps, your emotional state is trying to tell you something. Here are some signs from within you that this relationship might be emotionally abusive.

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When You Reframe Your Breakup as an Opportunity, Everything Changes

a post by Eric Ibey for the Tiny Buddha blog

“Sometimes the most uncomfortable learning is the most powerful.” ~Brené Brown

Seems impossible, doesn’t it?

How can you look at your breakup as an opportunity when it feels like someone cut your right arm off and ripped out your heart?

Breakups can be rough. When you open yourself up to another person, love them unconditionally, and compromise your own needs for the “betterment of the relationship,” you put yourself all-in. It’s no surprise that you feel lost, confused, and unwilling to move on when that connection is torn away from you. You gave everything to your relationship and now it’s gone. Forever.

Breakups have taught me something that I never learned in school: I’ve learned that losing love is hard. Brutally hard. I experienced more pain after the toughest breakup of my life than completing an engineering degree, doing standup comedy for the first time, and walking 400 kilometers in two weeks with 50 pounds on my back. When I lost my soul mate, I didn’t know how I was going to move on.

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8 Tips So You Don't Lose Yourself In Your Next Relationship

a post by Aska Kolton for the Tiny Buddha blog


“Never lose yourself in a relationship. Love your partner fiercely, but always follow your unique dreams and desires. Be true to yourself.” ~Unknown

All my previous relationships drained me.

Not only because I was with the wrong men and kept trying to make things work where there was no way, but also because I was a queen of justifying, accommodating, and compromising.

I accommodated men because I wanted to be liked and avoid rejection.

I justified their lousy behavior because I wanted to be in a relationship and not be alone.

I compromised on my values and romantic ideals just to have someone in my life.

On the surface, I was an independent woman, strong, fierce, and full of energy and opinions.

When it came to relationships, I'd lose my power and myself completely in them.

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Why Emotional Growth is Scary: 3 Ways To Defeat Your Fear Of Change

a post by Jonice Webb for the Childhood Emotional Neglect blog [via World of Psychology’s Best of Our Blogs]




Emotional growth does not come easily to most of us.

Some growth actually happens naturally in response to the passage of time, the development of our brain or challenging life events. But in most cases, we do have to fight for our forward steps.

Truth be told, real emotional growth is quite similar to building physical muscles. First, we must decide to purposely build ourself up, and then we must engage in an activity that’s challenging and uncomfortable for us in order to grow.

There are all kinds of ways in which being challenged or uncomfortable makes us naturally want to pull back and take comfort in the familiar (our old ways), even if it means giving up or going backward.

Part of the discomfort we experience as we grow comes from the fact that the more emotionally strong we get, and the more we begin to feel differently and act differently, the more it can upset the important people in our life. They may react with surprise or resentment when we do or say something unexpected, even if it’s a sign of increased strength and health.

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The Silent Treatment: The Subtle Art of Abuse

a post by Christine Hammond for The Exhausted Woman blog  [via World of Psychology]

Margo knew she messed up but she wasn’t sure how. Her husband’s complete silence towards her over the last few days was a signal that she made some sort of mistake. The problem was, according to him, she made daily errors in judgement, so she was completely in the dark.

Did she drink too much at her husband’s office party and say something embarrassing? Or perhaps he is upset over the new pile on the kitchen counter? Could it be that she spent too much on groceries because they are trying to eat healthy? Or did he see her sarcastic text message to a friend about how she was in the doghouse with him again?

Normally, Margo would just confess to everything, apologize, and beg him to start talking again. She hated the silence. He would reluctantly accept her remorse, lecture her about the incidents, and then slowly reengage. Unfortunately, within a couple of weeks the same cycle would repeat but not this time.

This time, Margo decided she had enough. She was done being treated like a child. She began to see how he used silence as a way to control her behavior and get her to accept excessive responsibility. In the beginning of their relationship, she saw his uncommunicativeness as sophistication, now she saw it as manipulation. But she needed to understand this subtle abuse tactic better. Here are the many ways the silent treatment is used to abuse others.

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Dear Narcissist, Stop, You’re on the Wrong Track!

a post by Athena Staik for Neuroscience and Relationships blog [via World of Psychology]


This post consists of a letter from this therapist, which is addressed to those that meet the criteria for narcissistic or antisocial personality disorders, NPD or APD respectively. Ideally, an NPD or APD would read this message, and to some degree, embrace and seek professional help to change the serious patterns of abuse they intentionally use to traumatize others for their own gain.

In reality, persons with these disorders are not likely to even read this post, much less respond by taking it seriously enough to engage in authentic changes their wrong track patterns. This letter thus is written primarily with those who have been victimized by an NPD or APD in mind, and as a result experience symptoms of narcissistic abuse syndrome.

The purpose here is to support key steps those who’ve been victimized must take to engage in healing processes, specifically, in breaking free of the mind-body thought-control patterns that NPDs and APDs predictably instill in those they prey on in order to prop up their false-self egos as superior, and their supremacist ideology as biologically determined.

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Hazel’s comment
I would take issue with the gender specific nature of much of the advice offered. It’s not that the advice is wrong but I tried reading it in the light of supporting two people who have been traumatised by a narcissist. Both of these people have been severely hurt by their mothers.

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A Most Difficult Lesson: People Are Just Doing Their Best

a post by Joshua Kauffman for the Tiny Buddha blog


“People are doing the best that they can from their own level of consciousness.”
~Deepak Chopra

My father passed away suddenly and not so suddenly several weeks back.

He had been sick for a long time, but it was a gradually progressing illness and not what ultimately caused his passing. So, it did come as a shock, and the last few weeks have been filled with all the random things you need to do when someone dies – change the names on insurance policies and automobile titles, call social security, etc.

The list seems endless, but now that the tasks are winding down, the silence that is settling in is leaving both my mom and I alone with our feelings.

I knew this silence would come, and I dreaded it. I was afraid I’d think terrible thoughts about him, and that in turn would make me feel like a terrible person. It’s a long story…

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