How I Found Hope and Inspiration After Years of Quiet Desperation

a post by Jamie Hannigan for the Tiny Buddha blog



“Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.” ~Henry David Thoreau

How many years do we live with a sense of quiet desperation, faking the connection we have with ourselves? Why do we deny ourselves authentic living and exchange our time for mindless living?

Over the years, life silently and slowly eroded my identity away. By the time my son was twelve years old, I’d completely lost touch with reality. I was always busy trying to be everyone’s hero and creating this perfect little world around me. While juggling the responsibilities of being a wife and mother, I’d lost my individuality.

Life had brought me to unchartered territory, a place I had never been before. I could no longer silence the cries of my quiet desperation, the yearning to break free from what everyone wanted me to be.

The weight of being a perfect mother—having laundry done and feeding my family home cooked meals daily—seemed more than impossible. The goal of being an amazing wife was like climbing Mount Everest; I had no energy left when it came to my husband. Because I’d excelled in my career, they thought I could handle more, so they’d doubled my workload.

I was suffering. The despair was a disease I learned to live with every day, but this day was different. The pain of my confusion and mental starvation was agonizing.

I found myself on my knees having a mental breakdown.

Continue reading and know that you are not alone.

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5 Things to Remember When You Feel Ashamed of Your Flaws

a post by Lori Deschene for the Tiny Buddha blog



If you asked me when I was younger what I wanted to be when I grew up, I may have answered perfect, or famous, which is incredibly ironic, I know. I simultaneously craved a spotlight while fearing what it might reveal—my inadequacies, my weaknesses, my flaws.

I thought being perfect meant being beyond reproach—undeniably lovable and worthy of respect, something I didn’t always receive growing up.

And I assumed that if I were perfect in all ways, I could finally relax and enjoy my life because I could trust that no one would judge or hurt me. I could navigate the world secure in the knowledge I was good enough, and everyone knew it, so I had nothing to prove.

Though I spent years trying to overcome all my weaknesses—my anxiety, my insecurity, my controlling nature, my need to be liked—I’ve never arrived at a place of complete freedom from these struggles. I’ve made progress, sure, but I’m still flawed. I’m still craggy and cracked, like a mirror that’s been shattered and glued together many times over.

Continue reading

Hazel’s comment;
Worth reading, or at least going to the end of the original post, to link to interview with Noah Knox Marshall

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The Importance of Practice and Preparation

a post by Linda Sapadin for the World of Psychology blog



I used to shy away from certain activities. Why? Because I believed that I had to do them well or not do them at all. If I didn’t have any natural talent, then clearly they weren’t for me. On to the next pursuit.

Sometimes this approach makes sense. Take, for example, trying to play the violin. If, after many lessons, your “music” is jarring to your own ears and you don’t enjoy the experience, perhaps consider giving up what initially seemed like a good idea. You can lead an amazing life without ever picking up a violin again.

Yet, there are other scenarios in which giving up your interest in an activity wouldn’t be a good outcome. Perhaps the violin keeps calling to you. You can’t imagine what’s enticing you to keep playing (your inner masochist, perhaps?) but you know you’d hate to give it up. Even though you’re not good at it, even though it’s frustrating, you’re still drawn to it. You continue anyway, hoping that one day you’ll “get it,” enabling you to move to a higher level.

Continue reading

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You Don't Suck at Life: How to Stop Believing Your Inner Bully

a post by Sandy Woznicki for the Tiny Buddha blog



“You’re too fat to wear that tight shirt to the gym.”

“You’re not smart enough to take the lead on that project at work.”

“You’re definitely going to screw up the vacation plans.”

“You’re not good enough, cool enough, likable enough.”

“You suck.”

If we talked like this to anyone, it would be considered bullying.

And yet we talk to ourselves like this all the time.

We talk to ourselves in a way we would never talk to people we care about. We take these words to heart and believe them as truth.

We turn these words into our core belief system, holding ourselves back from growth, fulfillment, and happiness.

We set high expectations for ourselves, and if we don’t meet them it comes out in unfair, untrue, and flat-out mean judgments.

Continue reading

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Slow, Imperfect Progress Is Better Than None at All

a post by Lori Deschene for the Tiny Buddha blog


“When perfectionism is driving, shame is riding shotgun, and fear is that annoying backseat driver.” Brené Brown

Sometimes I feel like the girl who cried film.

I first wrote a blog post introducing Tiny Buddha Productions three years ago, and despite my earnestness, passion, and enthusiasm, I have only one short film to show for myself.

When I was working on this short, which we filmed partly in my apartment—in my bedroom, amid the worn clothes and shoes in my walk-in closet even—I felt more alive and aligned than I’d felt in years.

I was doing something I’d wanted to do since college, in LA, the mecca of filmmaking, with a team of talented people I admired and respected.

I was telling a story that felt deeply personal and authentic to me, sometimes tearing up behind the camera because it was finally happening, after months of planning, failing, and trying again.

It kind of felt like a Jerry Maguire moment. I wasn’t my father’s son again, but I was the old me again—the me who felt most at home amidst lights, costumes, and makeup, even when I was standing back and watching other people shine. The me who felt a sense of belonging in a family of oddball actors and crew members who seemed like reflections of myself.

Continue reading

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Why We Abandon Ourselves and How to Stop

a post by Sharon Martin for the blog Happily Imperfect brought to us via the World of Psychology blog



Do you have a hard time trusting yourself? Do you hide parts of yourself – your feelings, beliefs, and ideas – in order to fit in or please others? Do you diminish or discount your feelings because you think they don’t really matter?

This is self-abandonment.

We abandon ourselves when we don’t value ourselves, when we don’t act in our own best interest, and when we don’t encourage and comfort ourselves.

Notice how many of these examples of self-abandonment ring true for you.

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How to Deal with an Especially Cruel Inner Critic

a post by Margarita Tartakovsky for the World of Psychology blog

It’s common for you to have a running commentary in your mind that sounds something like this:

You’ll never get that job. You’re not smart, cool or creative enough. That fight was all your fault. You don’t belong at that party with those accomplished people. You’ll never finish that project. You’ll never achieve that goal. Who do you think you are? If you don’t get a perfect grade on that paper, it’ll confirm you’re a fraud. Scratch that. You are a fraud. You’re also a terrible mother. You also can’t do anything right. You also aren’t worthy of _______ and ________. And ________.

And you assume these constant, cruel words are the truth. You assume they’re gospel.

Continue reading

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How Failure Holds the Key to a Meaningful, Successful Life

a post by Joel Almeida for the Tiny Buddha blog

“Perfectionism doesn’t believe in practice shots.” ~Julia Cameron

Within each of us lurks a perfectionist. And perfectionists set themselves up for a lot of pain in life.

How so? I’ll come to that.

First let me describe how our first child took her first step. She was less than ten months old. A very bright girl, who wanted nothing less than my approval at all times.

On one occasion, a few months previous to that, she was crawling on the carpet and picked up some small thing. As she started to put it in her mouth, I called out loudly “No!”

That was the first time she experienced any negative or critical words from me. Otherwise, I had been steadily adoring. What was her response?

She fell flat on the floor and remained perfectly still. It was as if she had been laid flat by a sledgehammer blow.

That’s how much she had come to rely on my approval.

Continue reading

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Made a Big Mistake? What to Do Instead of Beating Yourself Up

a post by Bryn Bamber for the Tiny Buddha blog


“Note to self: Beating yourself up for your flaws and mistakes won’t make you perfect, and you don’t have to be. Learn, forgive yourself, and remember: We all struggle; it’s just part of being human.” ~Lori Deschene

When I was in twelfth grade I took a World Issues class and learned about colonization, child soldiers, and how some children, by no fault of their own, had a much more challenging life than I’d had. After that, I wanted to help but wasn’t sure how.

Then, at age twenty-three, I was hired at a non-profit organization where I had the opportunity to work with teenage girls in prison. Finally, I had a real opportunity to help and I wanted to be perfect.

It was my dream job. I was excited. But then I made a big mistake.

Continue reading

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‘My brain feels like it’s been punched’: the intolerable rise of perfectionism

an article by Paula Cocozza published in The Guardian


‘You neglect absolutely everything. You become absorbed by your own brain.’ Illustration: Harriet Lee Merrion/The Guardian

Tom Nicol thought he had a problem with sleep. He could never get enough. He took “a very disciplined, stripped approach” to his routine. He drank water only at premeditated times, ate according to schedule, avoided caffeine, exercised (but not close to bedtime) and shut down all screens at 9pm. Nicol, a PhD student, was recounting this long list of sleep settings to his student counsellor after yet another bad night, when she told him: “You have perfectionism.”

“I’m not good enough to have perfectionism,” Nicol replied.

It was “one of the most perfectionist things you can say”, he says now. At the time, though, the discovery took Nicol by surprise. He shared his surprise with his partner. “She was like: ‘Well, duh!’” But he needed to be convinced.

Continue reading

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6 Surprising Signs That You're Struggling with Depression

a post by Margarita Tartakovsky for the World of Psychology blog



Most people know the telltale signs of depression: a deep, sinking sadness, loss of hope, a bleak outlook on life, and weight and appetite changes. As psychologist Deborah Serani, Psy.D, said, most people also picture a slow-moving individual with sloped shoulders who’s unable to get out of bed.

While for some people the above is absolutely true, for others, different signs are more prominent and indicative of depression – signs that might surprise you. Below are six symptoms to watch out for.

1. You have a super short fuse. 
2. Your concentration is shaky.
3. You can’t make up your mind.
4. You strive for perfection.
5. You have random aches or chronic pain.
6. You feel utterly empty.

Continue reading to get the expansion on these points.

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3 Guilt And Shame Messages Of Childhood Emotional Neglect And How To Defeat Them

a post by Jonice Webb for Childhood Emotional Neglect blog [via World of Psychology]



Adults who were emotionally neglected in childhood can be quite perfectionistic and hard on themselves. But for many, it does not stop there.

Why? Because the messages of Childhood Emotional Neglect run deep. They go to the heart of the child, and stay with him for a lifetime. They not only damage his ability to understand and trust his own feelings, they damage his ability to understand and trust himself.

The messages of CEN are like invisible infusions of guilt and shame that happen every day in the life of the child.

Continue reading

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Millennials Are at Higher Risk for Mental Health Issues. This May Be Why

a post by Philip Perry for the Big Think blog

Millennials are experiencing higher levels of anxiety, depression, and thoughts of suicide than generations past. Many reasons have been offered but none definitive, until now. A new study finds that this generation carries much higher levels of perfectionism, and that these elevated expectations may be to blame. UK researchers came to these conclusions, which were published in the journal Psychological Bulletin.

Since the 1980s, governments and their adjacent societies in the US, UK, and Canada, have focused on individual improvement, both in the economic and social sphere. Since then, people in these countries have been working on themselves, forever striving for self-improvement, particularly in the forms of higher educational and career attainment, and better social standing. But what cost comes with putting all that emphasis on individual achievement?

According to Thomas Curran, from the University of Bath and Andrew Hill, of York St. John University, the results are being seen with this latest generation, the Millennials (ages 18-35). This generation feels overburdened with a perfectionist streak unknown to their parents or grandparents.

Continue reading

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3 Tools That Can Help You Calm Your Mind and Let Go of Anxiety

a post by Joanna Ciolek for the Tiny Buddha blog


“I vow to let go of all worries and anxiety in order to be light and free.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh 
NOTE: You do not have to adopt that to me impossible position in order to work through your anxiety issues. Honestly you don’t. H

I've struggled with anxiety throughout my life. A difficult childhood and my highly sensitive personality meant I grew into an anxious kid—there was just too much pain and emotional overwhelm for my young brain to handle.

My anxiety most often manifested as perfectionism and people pleasing, so from the outside everything seemed great. I excelled in school and I was a good kid who did as she was told. But there was a war inside me.

I felt broken, unable to navigate these huge feelings of fear and uncertainty on my own. Full of negativity and self-criticism, I felt like an outsider, misunderstood by the world, scared and alone.

Over the years, as I stuffed down these feelings of inadequacy and isolation, I internalized the belief that somehow I was not good enough, that there was something inherently wrong with me.

Afraid of being found out, ridiculed, and humiliated, I became invisible. I masked my fears, shame, and feeling rejected with arrogance. I became rigid and controlling. I was super hard on myself. I felt restless, angry, and defective even more.

In denial about all of this until my late thirties, my children finally cracked me open.

Continue reading

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Take a Chance: Don’t Let Your Inner Saboteur Hold You Back

a blog post by Melissa Pennel for Tiny Buddha


“’It’s impossible,’ said pride. ‘It’s risky,’ said experience. ‘It’s pointless,’ said reason. ‘Give it a try,’ whispered the heart.” ~Unknown

On my first day back in college, I sat on a bench outside a classroom and wrote in a tiny notebook. Glancing around at the young students lining up, my sunglasses slid down my nose as I hurriedly scribbled the thoughts buzzing around in my head.
“I’m afraid of being unprepared. I’m afraid of not being smart enough. I’m afraid of being left behind in the coursework. I’m afraid of giving up like I did last time.”
As evidenced in that journal entry, I was pretty terrified to be back in school.

Continue reading being aware that the writer is writing about education in the USA. This does not detract from the meaning you can take from the story.

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Do you want me to be perfect? Two longitudinal studies on socially prescribed perfectionism, stress and burnout in the workplace

an article by Julian H. Childs and Joachim Stoeber ( University of Kent, Canterbury, UK) published in Work & Stress: An International Journal of Work, Health & Organisations Volume 26 Issue 4 (November 2012)

Abstract

Stress and burnout in the workplace have a negative impact not only on individuals but also on organisations, clients and customers and are estimated to be of high cost to a country’s economy. To help identify employees at high risk, it is important to know what individual differences contribute to stress and burnout.

Two longitudinal studies were conducted to examine whether individual differences in socially prescribed perfectionism (individuals’ perceptions that others have perfectionistic expectations of them) contribute to employees’ role stress and predict increases in burnout symptoms (exhaustion, cynicism and inefficacy).

Study 1 investigated 69 healthcare service provision employees in the UK over a six-month interval, and Study 2 investigated 195 school teachers in the UK over a three-month interval.

In both studies, socially prescribed perfectionism predicted increases in role stress and inefficacy over time.

Moreover, in Study 2, socially prescribed perfectionism also predicted increases in exhaustion and cynicism over time.

The findings indicate that individual differences in socially prescribed perfectionism may be a contributing factor to stress and burnout in the workplace.

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