How to Use Self-Compassion to Stop Blaming Yourself for Everything

a post by Sharon Martin for Happily Imperfect [the World of Psychology blog]



Are you quick to blame yourself – even for things you didn’t do or couldn’t control?

When things go wrong, is your immediate response: “It’s all my fault” or “I shouldn’t have done that”?

For many of us, self-blame and criticism are insidious. We’re unrelenting with our demands and expectations, and we’re our own worst critic when things don’t go as planned or we don’t perform perfectly.

Why we’re so hard on ourselves

Self-blame and self-criticism are learned behaviors. A blaming or critical parent, teacher, friend, or family member may be the original source of your inner-critic.

Children are especially vulnerable to blame, rage, and criticism because they don’t have a strong sense of self. They base their self-concept on what others tell them. So, if you were repeatedly told you’re needy or you’re stupid, you probably grew up believing it.

Our negative beliefs can also result from what wasn’t said or done for us as children. For example, if your parents weren’t attentive to your feelings, the unspoken message was that your feelings (and you) don’t matter.

When criticism, blame, verbal abuse, and emotional neglect are chronic, we internalize this critical voice and make it our own. We continue to repeat these negative false beliefs (I’m ugly, I’m stupid, It’s all my fault, I’m worthless) and reinforce them until they become automatic.

We also tend to choose partners in adulthood who repeat this cycle of blame and criticism. We’re unconsciously drawn to people who criticize and blame us because we’re used to it – and it validates the negative beliefs we have about ourselves.

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Sometimes We Are the Ones Who Need to Change

a post by Shannon Brown for the Tiny Buddha blog


“Setting an example is not the main means of influencing others, it is the only means.” ~Albert Einstein

When I was younger, I had a lot of opinions about what other people needed to change.

“Why can’t people conserve more?” “Why can’t people stop throwing cigarette butts on the ground?” “Why can’t so-and-so stop being so annoying?”

Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

I’ve recently realized that as I focused on all of the things that others needed to do, I was avoiding taking a look at my own very real flaws and failures.

I used single-use plastic containers for smoothies and coffee. I had a car and drove a lot, often when I could have walked, biked, or taken public transit. I used air travel, frequently. I didn’t ever shop at thrift stores or make an effort to reuse things. And I also, um, was very critical of others, and myself.

In short, I had plenty of issues of my own.

There is a quote by Jacob M. Braude that reads, “Think about how hard it is to change yourself. Then maybe you will understand why it is impossible to change other people.”

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How to Deal with an Especially Cruel Inner Critic

a post by Margarita Tartakovsky for the World of Psychology blog

It’s common for you to have a running commentary in your mind that sounds something like this:

You’ll never get that job. You’re not smart, cool or creative enough. That fight was all your fault. You don’t belong at that party with those accomplished people. You’ll never finish that project. You’ll never achieve that goal. Who do you think you are? If you don’t get a perfect grade on that paper, it’ll confirm you’re a fraud. Scratch that. You are a fraud. You’re also a terrible mother. You also can’t do anything right. You also aren’t worthy of _______ and ________. And ________.

And you assume these constant, cruel words are the truth. You assume they’re gospel.

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Meditations to Help You Calm Your Inner Critic

a post by Kalia Kelmenson for the World of Psychology blog

Our ability to be resonant with ourselves is a key for bringing healing into our life.

“Why am I so stupid?” “I am such a loser.” “Why can’t I do anything right?” These are just some of the questions that many people have running through their mind- sometimes without even realizing it. There is a way to heal this voice and cultivate more compassion for yourself.

We all have a deep desire to connect. As one of our basic human needs, we suffer when we are not connected to others, and – perhaps most importantly – to ourselves. When we feel attacked by ourselves, if our own inner self-talk is full of criticism and judgement, we can feel especially alienated and alone.

If you grew up in an environment where you were constantly criticized, or it was clear that nothing you did was ever quite enough, then you may have an inner dialogue that mirrors that experience. You may not know what it feels like to be welcomed with warmth and love, just for being who are – mistakes and all. Sarah Peyton, a specialist in Nonviolent Communication and neuroscience educator, teaches that the language we use, with others and with ourselves, plays a huge role in how we experience and interact with the world.

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