We teach people how to treat us, and we do that with boundaries. When we set boundaries, we communicate what works for us and what doesn’t. We communicate what is OK and what isn’t. We communicate what we want and what we don’t.
Boundaries protect us. They shield our hearts, and they raise our voices.
Which is all well and good, but if you’re new-ish to boundary setting, you might not know where to start. You might be wondering, What boundaries do I set? What limits are actually necessary? What makes a good boundary?
The first place to start is with curiosity. Because it really depends on you. Start by making daily observations about your thoughts, feelings, and behavior. You can even record these observations in a notebook (for a week or two). In fact, this is a great way to spot patterns over time.
For instance, think about the following questions as you go about your day, which will give you insights into the boundaries you need to set to honor your limits and your mental health:
Do you find yourself saying yes to people when you really want to say no? Do you feel resentful after you tell someone you can honor their request? Are you feeling over-worked? If so, why? How often do you use your phone throughout a single day? Do you carry it with you—everywhere from the bathroom to bed? Do you have time to do the things you want to do? Do you feel heard in your relationships? Do you feel like your needs are being met? What are your needs? What energizes you? What’s depleting you? Are you getting enough sleep and rest? Do you feel satisfied overall? How did that interaction make you feel? Do you feel good being around that person?
After you have your responses, identify the boundaries you need to set, and with whom (some of these boundaries might be with yourself). Write those down, too. Make them as simple, specific, and direct as possible.
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