How to Use Self-Compassion to Stop Blaming Yourself for Everything

a post by Sharon Martin for Happily Imperfect [the World of Psychology blog]



Are you quick to blame yourself – even for things you didn’t do or couldn’t control?

When things go wrong, is your immediate response: “It’s all my fault” or “I shouldn’t have done that”?

For many of us, self-blame and criticism are insidious. We’re unrelenting with our demands and expectations, and we’re our own worst critic when things don’t go as planned or we don’t perform perfectly.

Why we’re so hard on ourselves

Self-blame and self-criticism are learned behaviors. A blaming or critical parent, teacher, friend, or family member may be the original source of your inner-critic.

Children are especially vulnerable to blame, rage, and criticism because they don’t have a strong sense of self. They base their self-concept on what others tell them. So, if you were repeatedly told you’re needy or you’re stupid, you probably grew up believing it.

Our negative beliefs can also result from what wasn’t said or done for us as children. For example, if your parents weren’t attentive to your feelings, the unspoken message was that your feelings (and you) don’t matter.

When criticism, blame, verbal abuse, and emotional neglect are chronic, we internalize this critical voice and make it our own. We continue to repeat these negative false beliefs (I’m ugly, I’m stupid, It’s all my fault, I’m worthless) and reinforce them until they become automatic.

We also tend to choose partners in adulthood who repeat this cycle of blame and criticism. We’re unconsciously drawn to people who criticize and blame us because we’re used to it – and it validates the negative beliefs we have about ourselves.

Continue reading

---

What is Emotional Abuse Exactly? Taking a Hard Look at a Buzzword

a post by Peg Streep via the World of Psychology blog

For a time, I belonged to a large closed Facebook group dedicated to supporting people who thought they were in various kinds of abusive relationships; I told the administrators who I was and that I was there largely to see, as a writer, what people were most concerned about. I did not post comments.

But one of the astonishing revelations was how much of the dialogue was really about validating what constituted abuse in a relationship.

That’s the problem with buzzwords, like “emotionally abusive,” “verbally abusive,” “narcissist,” and others; they sometimes lose their meaning when they get tossed about, especially in groups when people are trying to be understanding. This doesn’t mean, course, that emotional or verbal abuse don’t exist; they are very real.

But how do you distinguish between a pattern of abuse and just lousy or reactive behavior? Is there a difference?

Continue reading to discover that yes, there is a difference and how you can distinguish between them.

---