Are you quick to blame yourself – even for things you didn’t do or couldn’t control?
When things go wrong, is your immediate response: “It’s all my fault” or “I shouldn’t have done that”?
For many of us, self-blame and criticism are insidious. We’re unrelenting with our demands and expectations, and we’re our own worst critic when things don’t go as planned or we don’t perform perfectly.
Why we’re so hard on ourselves
Self-blame and self-criticism are learned behaviors. A blaming or critical parent, teacher, friend, or family member may be the original source of your inner-critic.
Children are especially vulnerable to blame, rage, and criticism because they don’t have a strong sense of self. They base their self-concept on what others tell them. So, if you were repeatedly told you’re needy or you’re stupid, you probably grew up believing it.
Our negative beliefs can also result from what wasn’t said or done for us as children. For example, if your parents weren’t attentive to your feelings, the unspoken message was that your feelings (and you) don’t matter.
When criticism, blame, verbal abuse, and emotional neglect are chronic, we internalize this critical voice and make it our own. We continue to repeat these negative false beliefs (I’m ugly, I’m stupid, It’s all my fault, I’m worthless) and reinforce them until they become automatic.
We also tend to choose partners in adulthood who repeat this cycle of blame and criticism. We’re unconsciously drawn to people who criticize and blame us because we’re used to it – and it validates the negative beliefs we have about ourselves.
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