When we make a massive mistake or bad decision, the last thing we want to do is be nice to ourselves.
Instead, we unleash our rage… and anxiety and shame. We bash ourselves. We panic. We minimise the impact (while subconsciously freaking out).
According to therapist and self-compassion expert Lea Seigen Shinraku, MFT, these are all ways we try to maintain some semblance of control.
Because “when we’ve really screwed up, we feel like the situation is out of control.”
So, we think to ourselves: If only I’d done things the right way; this would’ve never happened, and everything would be fine.
Or, when minimising the impact of a mistake (or bad decision), we think, it’s not that bad, “even if it is extremely ‘bad,’” said Shinraku, founder of The San Francisco Center for Self-Compassion.
Besides grasping for control, we bash ourselves because one of our basic needs is to feel loved and connected, and our inner critics attempt to protect us from being rejected (and repeating the same behaviour), according to Karen Bluth, Ph.D, a mindfulness and self-compassion teacher. Which is why they sound so cold and harsh (“that was so stupid! you shouldn’t have done that!”).
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self-compassion, inner_critic, got_it_wrong, screwed_up,
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