4 Fears That Create People-Pleasers and How to Ease Them

a post by KJ Hutchings for the Tiny Buddha blog



“It feels good to be accepted, loved, and approved of by others, but often the membership fee to belong to that club is far too high of a price to pay.” ~Dennis Merritt Jones

Like a lot of people, I grew up putting others’ needs and wants first. I learned early that doing things for other people and accommodating their wishes gained me attention and approval. It was only in those moments that I felt good enough and deserving of love.

As a child, I liked nothing more than feeling indispensable and being told I was a good and nice girl. This praise was incredibly important to me, as was making others happy. My own happiness did not come into the equation; I was happy because they were happy. I felt loved, safe, and appreciated, in the short term at least.

As I got older my people-pleasing went into overdrive. I continually tried to gain people’s approval, make them happy, and help them whenever needed.

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Socializing Rejection and Failure in Artistic Occupational Communities

an article by Rachel Skaggs (Vanderbilt University, Nashville, TN, USA) published in Work and Occupations Volume 46 Issue 2 (May 2019)

Abstract

Failure is a normal aspect of work in creative industries; even highly successful artists are subject to rejection by critics, fans, and peers. It is known that organizations such as schools and workplaces are the primary space for job-related socialization, but artistic careers are characterized by nonstandard employment relations and do not generally require formal schooling. Without the bureaucratic structures typically used to socialize novice group members, how do artistic occupational communities socialize aspirants to manage rejection and labor market failure?

This article draws from 6 months of participant observation from “Song Club”, a periodic professional workshop for aspiring songwriters where aspirants present a song to publishers in the hopes of having it recorded and released to commercial audiences.

During the period of study, 403 songs were presented to publishers, and 327 were rejected. During the workshops, Song Club members are socialized toward normalizing rejection, appropriately interacting with gatekeepers, and developing collaborative relationships with peers. Adopting these norms reduces the likelihood of failure and contextualizes the meaning of rejection in this occupational community.

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How the mindful brain copes with rejection

a post by Alexandra Martelli and David Chester (Virginia Commonwealth University) published on the OUP blog

Person on mountain by Milan Popovic. CC0 viaUnsplash.

Whether it’s being left out of happy hour plans or being broken up with by a significant other, we can all relate to the pain of social rejection. Such “social pain” is consequential, undermining our physical and mental health. But how can we effectively cope with the distressing experience of being left out or ignored? Mindfulness may be an answer.

Mindfulness can be described as being “in the moment”—a tendency to direct our attention and awareness to our currently-felt internal and external sensations. Mindfulness couples such a focus on the present with an accepting, non-judgmental lens of these feelings. Instead of racing from one errand to the next, thinking only of how to complete the next task, mindful individuals stay focused on the here-and-now. They allow feelings like the stress of getting everything done to wax and wane, without interpreting them as “good” or “bad.”

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Easing a Broken Heart: 5 Ways to Reframe Rejection

a post by Marissa Walter for the Tiny Buddha blog


“When the wrong people leave your life, the right things start to happen.” ~Zig Ziglar

The end of a relationship triggers many grief emotions, but when a couple breaks up because one person decides that it’s over, there is a very distinct pain: the sting of rejection. It doesn’t matter whether things had been difficult for some time or if the split came out of the blue; either way, rejection feels cruel.

At the end of my marriage eight years ago, I had no idea that the breakup was coming. On top of the shock that the relationship was suddenly over, I carried the intense and overwhelming feeling of rejection; I was no longer valued, wanted, or needed.

Rejection can trigger feelings of shame, low self-esteem. and diminished confidence as well as helplessness and victimization. If you are left for another person (which was my experience) the intensity of rejection increases further. I experienced anger and resentment about betrayal; this makes healing feel much harder than in those cases where a decision to split is mutual.

When I began move through my initial grief, I found that the biggest shift in moving forward came through changing how I viewed rejection. I realized that by identifying with the feeling of rejection I was telling myself that something was wrong with me; that the marriage was over because I hadn’t come up to scratch and, therefore, needed to be let go.

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The Wounds of Rejection Heal With Self-Love and Self-Awareness

a post by Vironika Tugaleva for the Tiny Bhudda blog


“There is no magic cure, no making it all go away forever. There are only small steps upward; an easier day, an unexpected laugh, a mirror that doesn't matter anymore.” 
~Laurie Halse Anderson

It began in elementary school. I was a chubby immigrant with a thick accent and hand-me-down clothes. I so badly wanted the other kids to like me, and I had no idea why everything I said and did seemed to push them away.

My jokes and comments would trigger awkward silences or ridicule – especially in groups. Those moments were traumatizing, but they were also confusing. How could I make them like me?

As I learned English, I found some company in the schoolyard, but I continued to be bullied for my weight, my clothes, my face that turned red so easily. It didn’t help when I started going through puberty at age nine, younger than every other girl in my class.

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Seeing Rejection As Redirection: What We Gain When We Lose

a post by Lauren Golombek for the Tiny Buddha blog


“Every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better.” ~Steve Maraboli

Rejection hurts. Whether it is from family, friends, co-workers, or a new company, when we experience rejection it hits us right in the heart—the control center to our emotions.

We may wonder, what is wrong with me? We might begin pulling ourselves apart with self-criticism. However, rejection also has a way of teaching us, redirecting us, and ultimately making our lives better.

I have learned to look at rejection differently these past couple of years. Actually, many of my greatest blessings have come out of what I perceived as rejection. Yes, there have been many painful experiences, but then again, I always have been one to learn more through pain than through pleasure.

When I was younger, I faced rejection daily. I was an overweight teenager with crushes on any boy who looked at me. Other kids would constantly make fun of me, and no boys dared to show me any bit of interest. I was bullied and rejected simply for being me.

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